Despicable, that’s what it is.
The Ottawa Senators have an online Facebook contest for their fans to come up with a song to be played every time the team scores a goal this season.
And wouldn’t ya know it: The mean, cruel, evil fans in the capital of the Toronto Maple Leaves — who outnumber Senators fans — are going all out to make a laughingstock of the Sens by stuffing the ballot box in favour of a Canadian rock group they know almost everybody can’t stand because its music is too much the same and boring: Nickelback.
The Sens have had more than 500 song suggestions, they’ve whittled them down to five, and the winner — meaning the one with the catchiest chorus — will be unveiled for the home opener.
Guess who’s leading the final five as we speak. You got it. Knuckleback. I’m sorry, Nickelback.
With their song Burn It To The Ground. It’s more than 1,000 votes ahead of the second place group, The Black Keys. And their song Howlin’ For You. The next three, so far back they haven’t a chance, are The White Stripes Seven Nation Army, Britney Spears Till The World Ends , Locksley The Whip.
The catchiest and by far the most appropriate is Howlin’ For You, the rest total crap in comparison. Britney Spears? I gag.
Nickelback, anything by Nickelback, shouldn’t be in a top 10,000, let alone a top five.
Thank you fans of the Toronto Maple Leaves. A hockey club so intelligent it has never known the plural spelling of the word Leaf.
The Sens brass, probably suspecting Ottawa’s dastardly Leaves fans will resort to a Nickelback ballot stuffing, say: “To choose the final song, we’ll take your votes into account, along with how the Sens Army reacts to the songs during pre-season games.” In otherwords, the Sens will reserve the right not to see the team humiliated by having to pick some piece of drek just because it got the most votes.
As for how the Sens Army will react to the songs during pre-season games, we know how they’ll react to Burn It To The Ground by Nickelback.
But I’m worried. I’m worried that if Nickelback’s victory is overwhelming, the Sens will have a hard time selling “no” to the public.
This is where I come in. Because this is serious. There is no time to waste, the Sens desperately need a song a hell of a lot better than any of the five finalists.
Here, then, my songs for the Ottawa Senators, any one of which will save the team from unprecedented embarrassment.
Takin’ Care Of Business. Bachman Turner Overdrive. Chorus: “Taking care of business. Every day. Taking care of business. Every way. Taking care of business. It’s all mine.”
Rip It Up. E.A. Presley. Chorus: “I’m gonna rock it up. I’m gonna rip it up. I’m gonna shake it up. I’m gonna ball it up. I’m gonna rip it up. And ball tonite.”
How You Like Me Now. The Heavy. Chorus: “So, how you like me now? How you like me now? How you like me now? How you like me now? How you like me now? How you like me now? How you like me now? How you like me now?”
I’m not finished. The Sens need another song.
They need one exclusively FOR WHEN THEY SCORE ON THE HATED LEAVES.
When a Leaves goalie lets in a Senators shot, Ottawa fans must hear played, and sing along to, They’re Comin’ To Take Me Away, Ha, Hah by Napoleon XIV, or Shaddup-a You Face by Joe Dolce, or Life Sucks, Then You Die by The Fools, the chorus of which goes:
“People say that life is good. It don’t seem good to me. I’m lost without a paddle. And I’m headed up s--t creek. People say that life is fun. But I don’t know why. As far as I can tell. Life sucks, and then you die.”
To rub it in even more when scoring on the Leaves, a second song, this one an opportunity for the Sens to be breakthrough new and different in the hyper-ventilated, frenetic, world of hockey. The beautiful, classical, heart-wrenching Time To Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli.
And, finally, this one in: I’m At Home Getting Hammered, She’s Out Getting Nailed. Banjo And Sullivan.
Relative to not a damn thing. Love the title, that’s all.