Heatley in need of Laura Stamm

EARL MCRAE, SUN MEDIA

, Last Updated: 8:52 AM ET

Inspector Clouston on Dany Heatley: "He's got to move his feet a little more ... sometimes it looks like he's not skating when actually he's trying to think a little more rather than react."

Bob Noble on Dany Heatley: "There's no question we can help him. For sure. We've done it for many NHL players."

Look, let's not kid ourselves. Inspector Clouston can say Heatley has "to move his feet a little more" and his not skating is an illusion created by his "trying to think a little more," but fact is fact: By NHL standards, Dany Heatley is a lousy skater, and if he was a good skater, he'd be a better player and a lot more than what he is: A slowish, lumbering, weak guy on skates with -- he should consider himself fortunate -- a rare gift of goal-scoring snipery. When teams effectively counter him positionally, he's not a one-dimensional player, he's a no-dimensional player.

But with Valentine's Day coming, and my heart feeling loving, I am presenting the Dany Heatley Solution to The Inspector. If The Inspector cares about Dany Heatley learning skating skills for the NHL, not the Rideau Canal, he will immediately phone 1-800-320-9558, and if the number's busy, he will immediately e-mail bobn@laurastamm.net, and either way, when he gets Bob Noble, he will say "Bob, Inspector Clouston of the Ottawa Senators here. Need your help. How fast can I enrol Dany Heatley? Hands of Rubenstein, feet of Foghorn Leghorn."

Dany Heatley isn't the first NHL player with the skating skills of Mr. Leghorn who's benefited from the Laura Stamm Power Skating System, clinics around the world, Bob Noble the business manager of the operation in Kalamazoo, Mich., which deals with clients in the American mid-west and the province of Ontario.

New Yorker Laura started her business 40 years ago. She has an army of elite instructors, but still occasionally teaches herself despite bad knees. "Her first NHL client," says Noble, "was Bobby Nystrom of the Islanders. He wasn't a very good skater. Lots of 6 a.m. clinics. She worked with him herself. Nystrom was so thrilled over what she did for his skating that when the Islanders retired his jersey years later, he invited Laura as his honoured guest.

"With the season on, we could give him (Heatley) private lessons in New York, Kalamazoo, or Anchorage where we do them, but my recommendation would be this June in Chicago. That'd be our (NHL) League Workshop. Ten hours with top instructors over 4-5 days. The teaching is all hockey specific. We see night to day improvement after only six hours. Darren McCarty's dad wrote a book and in it he credited the Laura Stamm system for him making it in the NHL."

A few of the NHL testimonials on the Stamm website: Luc Robitaille: "Laura Stamm was the one who showed me how to get an extra step that helped me get into the NHL." Doug Brown: "I learned more from the first hour with Laura than from all the other hockey schools I had ever been to." Kevin Dineen: "Laura Stamm's Power Skating System can help anyone from novice to pro. It helped put me in the NHL."

The late Herb Brooks, NHL coach: "Many players have benefited from the lessons of Laura Stamm ... she provided them with special insights and tips to gain that split-second advantage over the competition."

Some other NHL graduates. Terry Carkner. Ken Daneyko. Eric Desjardins. Adam Graves. Steve Duschene. Bryan McCabe. Scott and Rob Niedermayer. Darryl Shannon. Dallas Drake. Larry Murphy. And many more. Some of the NHL clubs that sent cement-foots to the school: Kings. Rangers. Islanders. Devils. And the German, Swedish, and Finnish national teams.

It's amazing that players can get all the way to the NHL without the prime ingredient it all starts from. Skating skill.

Bob Noble: "We've had 15- year-olds at our clinics who could skate better than the NHL guys."

There are 15-year-olds who can skate better than D. Heatley.

Go for it, Inspector.

Sign Leghorn up for those 10 hours.

The best $500 Boss Man Melnyk will have ever spent.


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