SUN Hockey Pool

Expect some drastic changes

BILL LANKHOF -- Toronto Sun

, Last Updated: 8:40 AM ET

A new day is dawning in hockey.

So Leafs' fans, how was the Chad Kilger era for you?

Here is a primer of what to expect in the wake of the agreement between The Owners and Dead Men Skating:

1. Bob Goodenow takes up an exciting new career as a Wal-Mart greeter.

2. In keeping with the 24%, players will now tell the CBC in between-period interviews that: "We're not giving up and all the guys are giving it 76%."

3. Bob Cole returns to the microphone and, after introducing himself as Harry Neale, will have a whole new Leafs' lineup with which to confuse Hockey Night In Canada viewers.

4. Don Cherry returns to Coach's Corner with Ron MacLean to discuss their favourite memories of Saturday Night at the Movies. Ron interviews the Tuktoyuktuk Blubberbellies beer leaguers to see how they are coping now that the NHL is back.

5. Revenue sharing.

This means the top money-making clubs will donate to a fund to help smaller markets like Tampa and Carolina. In return, Stanley Cup finalists like the Lightning, Carolina and Calgary will show teams like the Maple Leafs how to play the game.

6. Teams from Florida to Phoenix announce ticket price reductions. The Leafs will look into doing something similar.

When turkeys fly.

Maybe.

7. The Rangers win Sidney Crosby in the lottery. Glen Sather passes so he can re-sign Mark Messier and a couple of old guys to be named later.

Headlines of outrage in New York read: Yankees Fall 10 Games Out.

8. Gary Bettman jumps off ledge. Avoids injury when he lands on Goodenow, who is out having a smoke break.

9. Owners announce that July 13 will be known as Bettman Day to celebrate their freedom from subjugation under the yolk of the evil empire, formerly known as the Players' Association.

Once again owners can take the limo to the country club -- no more apologizing for tripping over a sagging money belt.

Gary has made being rich socially acceptable again.

It is a proud day: Billionaires 1, Millionaires 0.

Game over.

Because in the new NHL they're not puttin' up with no more stinkin' ties.

10. Leafs win season opener.

On a sports radio call-in show, someone predicts a Stanley Cup parade in Toronto is imminent.

Some things never change.

ZIP ME UP?

The mother of a 14-year-old female hockey player in British Columbia is demanding her daughter be given full access to the locker room used by the boys on her co-ed team.

The team's three girls currently change somewhere else and enter the room 15 minutes before a game.

Jane Emlyn told the CBC her daughter, Jewel, shouldn't be separated from her team-mates because: "If (the girls) can play hockey, then they should be exposed to all the opportunities that minor-league hockey players have."

There are some opportunities a girl just doesn't need to be exposed to -- and sniffing the inside of a guy's hockey bag is one of them. Not to mention, kids that age are prone to checking out each others, ahem, equipment.

Call me a prude but what we're dealing with here is a lost scents of propriety.

FINGERNAIL SKETCH

The Boston Herald has suggested that Johnny Damon's criticism of teammate Curt Schilling might go back to last year's AL Championship Series.

The newspaper says Damon's fiancee, Michelle, was a non-participant when Shonda Schilling came up with "Scarves of Destiny" for the wives to wear. Things came to a head after the Yankees won the first three games of the series.

Michelle: "A lot of good those (bleeping) scarves have done."

Shonda: "Well, if you were wearing one, maybe your fiancee wouldn't be 0-for-16."

The Herald notes Damon was actually 1-for-13, "but that didn't stop the gals from going at it to the point where they had to be physically restrained."

BITS 'N' BITES

The same week Team USA pitcher Jennie Finch makes the cover of Sports Illustrated, the IOC throws softball out of the 2012 OIympics. A picture is worth a thousand words unless it's on the cover of SI, in which case it adds up to one word: "Jinx" ... The Montreal Star's Red Fisher begins his 50th season on the Canadiens beat. Red has been around so long that not only does he know which closet the skeletons are in, he was once personally acquainted with each of them.

SMART 'N' SASSY

Ron Rapoport, Chicago Sun-Times: "And the Lord said, let there be hockey."

Or was it Gary Bettman?" 


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