SUN Hockey Pool

NHL forgive and forget

GARY DUNFORD -- Toronto Sun

, Last Updated: 9:02 AM ET

Do you believe? From the Angry Church of the Iced Puck, it's the Way-After-Midnight NHL Revival Hour! Plus the Top 10 reasons true believers would STILL forgive, forget and return to TV sofa and rink! Hey! Maybe they was just jokin'! Pulling our chain! February Fool!

Or maybe there's really no hockey deal. They da fools.

But ye of true faith, turn to Page 144 in your salvation hymnal and hum Call Me. Follow along with our prayer service, starting with ...

The Top 10 Reasons you will still believe in and support a Ten Minute Warm-up We Will Call A Season Followed By Very Profitable Playoffs...

10. Without hockey, it seems downright weird and embarrassing to eat a pound of Doritos a night.

9. The only meaningful guy-to-guy exchanges without hockey -- "How you doin'?" "Wuzz happenin'?" and "Yo dude" -- went stale by last December.

8. Without the TV on, I actually hear things happening in my house. For Pete's sake! Have a heart! Bettman! Goodenow! Ron and Don! Crank it up!

7. I have lost the will to dig in the corners. I bad. Call me a floater.

6. I embrace any opportunity to see a Prime Minister Dithers photo opportunity where -- pinker than ever -- the PM welcomes the return of the national game. And endorses the right of all NHL players to marry their teammates. Hairy, bald, toothless, it just doesn't matter. It's the Charter!

5. Honestly, I've tried to watch the other thing but guys running up and down a basketball court in their skivvies just doesn't do it for me.

4. My wife claims I cried out Tie Domi's name during sex. Only once. But even once, this is so wrong.

3. One night, I found myself watching CPAC and Ken Dryden was yapping about daycare. And I listened! 'Cause he was a goalie! Take me now, Lord.

2. I've got a bad rash from scratching my butt, and we're actually watching other people get fired on The Apprentice, and I've seen women even more crazed than the ones I already know on Desperate Housewives, and my finger hurts from going thru 500 channels every hour on the TV zapper, and I actually watched People Playing Poker for an hour and nearly lost my mind, and the dog and I lay on the floor 'til midnight and I see in his eyes "You poor animal," and when a doorbell rings I'm the one who gets up, and I stayed on the phone long enough once with a telemarketer to actually get to the part where I tell him "No," and I'm thinking of forgetting how mad I was when professional baseball screwed me like this and maybe buying a Jays ticket this spring, and I've got way too much time on my hands and constantly think about shaving my head, getting a tattoo or growing an 11th toe, and the golf courses won't even open 'til there are at least two March blizzards, and the other night I walked around the neighbourhood picking up dog poop in a plastic bag just to kill time, and I have this recurring nightmare in which I go smear some snot myself rather than having my hockey proxies do it for me, and I have forgotten what brand of beer to drink or gas to buy, and my boy has taken up figure skating and I keep humming that stupid song from Man of La Mancha 'cause it's the one he skates to, and I swear to God if this goes on much longer I will SNAP, do you hear me, SNAP??? Arrrrr!

And the No. 1 reason to believe in a last-minute save, an all-is-forgiven, true-blue, hokey hockey miracle ...

1. They wouldn't dare give us a boot to the head twice in one week, would they? WOULD THEY? As South Park's Eric Cartman sez: The bastards.

Can I get a big A-men on that?

Congregation: A-men I guess.

People, people! Do you not still hold hockey in your heart? Hello? Anybody out there?

We are now officially in NHL Over Time. Sudden Death.


Videos

Photos