There is a silver lining to this hockey lockout. It comes tonight when the Leafs home opener is cancelled. Look at it this way. Now Maple Leafs fans don't have to wait until next spring to have their Stanley Cup dreams horribly crushed.
LOCKOUT SOLUTION 101
So, it's agreed. The first thing we have to do is kill all the lawyers.
Then, we take Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow and make them settle this like all hockey disputes -- stick them on an ice flow, preferably one off Newfoundland somewhere, let them drop the gloves and last man standing wins.
CRAZY TALK
Media reports indicate Wayne Gretzky is considering a move to coaching.
No word on how long Wayne has been mentally unstable or where he is currently being institutionalized.
THE SKY IS FALLING
Two people who came close to being killed when a Romanian soccer fan threw his TV out the window have refused to press charges.
Ghita Axinte, 43, from Pascani, said he was so angry at the national side when it lost a World Cup qualifier to the Czech Republic 1-0 that he lobbed his TV out the window.
His aim was, evidently, as good as his team's. Radu Demergiu was luckily unhurt when the TV crashed on to his balcony below, almost hitting him and his brother.
"At first I was shocked. He could have killed us. But when he told me he had been watching football," said Radu, "I completely understood."
So do I. Watching soccer can make you nuts.
CURIOUS BEDFELLOWS?
Anheuser-Busch will sell specially marked eight-packs of beer to commemorate NASCAR's Dale Earnhardt Jr. and his No. 8 Chevy.
Drinking and driving: Like jam and peanut butter.
This is a good thing, but you have to love racing or red necks to understand why.
SINGIN' THE BOOS
The Leafs will have open auditions for anthem singers next Saturday and Sunday. Registration runs from 9 to noon on Saturday with the first 500 people guaranteed an audition. For information visit www.mapleleafs.com or call 416-815-6190. Auditioners will be required to sing O Canada and The Star Spangled Banner.
Or, considering what they've done to the hockey season, you could just stand there and yell, Bo-o-o-o-o. But, you didn't hear that from us.
MISSING THE BOAT
After being rebuffed at the University of Toronto, the Argos are moving stadium plans to York University.
For the Boatmen, the downside is they're farther from the downtown entertainment district. On the upside, they are now hooked up with an organization that can at least tell a football from a ping-pong ball.
The U of T may have a multi-million dollar endowment fund but it wouldn't recognize a football if it hit them between the eyes -- which judging from their team's record happens frequently every Saturday.
THE SMALL CHANGE
The only thing keeping Andre Rison from being the best receiver in the world is that his feet no longer move as fast as his lips ... Blue Bombers' Keith Stokes pulled a magazine out of the padding of the goalposts after scoring a touchdown. Not sure what he was trying to prove -- other than football players now can read ... On The Ice For Thee is a new book by Whitby's Kevin Gibson that summarizes the contributions of all 861 NHL players who have donned a Team Canada jersey. A stat freak's heaven -- $26.50 at a bookstore near you. Now, someone please help me uncross my eyes.
SMART 'N' SASSY
Ricky Williams wants to return to the Dolphins. The Dolphins only want their $8 million back. Says Toronto comedian, Frenchie McFarlane, "Why don't they just hold a joint press conference and hash out the details until the buzz dies down?"
Bill Lankhof writes that with the lockout, at least Leafs fans will be out of their misery quickly.
