Tiger and Phil -- pick a side. Whom you cheer for as the pair goes head-to-head this week at the PGA championship says as much about you as your choice of Coke or Pepsi.
(Pepsi drinkers, by the way, eat puppies.)
Tiger fans, for the most part, are less involved when it comes to golf -- that's why they root him on.
They know they can watch six minutes of a tournament, head off to Home Depot, return just in time to watch Woods accept his cheque and proclaim to family and friends: "I just knew he'd win."
That lack of commitment is fine and understandable considering if you spent any time actually watching him, you might be disturbed to see you're actually cheering on a golfbot. (As his caddy hugged a 'teary' Tiger on the 18th of the British Open, he heard the metallic, unemotive whisper, "Oil can. Oil can.")
As for Phil, well, the ruddy potato is almost as unlikeable, with that tasered, faux sheepish grin on his face and the beads of sweat staining his shirt into one of those 3-D stereogram eye puzzles.
Still, Phil does at least make a tournament interesting, taking you and your vested interest for a ride that could, at any moment, derail, splattering at least the first four rows of onlookers.
So do you go with the unfeeling android or the roly poly trainwreck?
Maybe just pick the guy with the ugliest pants and go from there.
Are there too many NFL pre-season games? That question has been posed a great deal the past week, especially in light of the injury to Washington Redskins running back Clinton Portis, who thinks he's proven enough in the league without having to strap on pads for exhibition games.
But imagine how depleted lineups would be from arrests without the pre-season keeping NFLers out of trouble.
Giving back to the community?
Um, perhaps Ron Artest should just keep it. Or shut it the hell up.
The NBA star was serving some court-ordered time with kids this past week as a result of his venture into the stands to slap around a fan two years ago.
When asked by one of the youngsters about the brawl, considered by many to be the worst in NBA history, Artest offered the youngster this pearl of wisdom: "If you have to protect yourself, protect yourself."
As advice to kids goes, that's right up there with: "Make sure your dealer isn't cutting your blow with inferior s---."
The Sacramento Kings player then went on to deny he made a mistake going into the crowd.
"I never say it was mistake," Artest told reporters.
"Somebody started trouble and I always say I ended it."
Forget basketball or his sad attempt at a hip hop career -- Artest has a brighter future arguing for any number of nations at the UN.
Heckle of the week: "On court, off court, in court, home/Hey Ronnie, leave our kids alone."