One big hang-up

PAUL FRIESEN, SUN MEDIA

, Last Updated: 10:22 AM ET

Note: the characters and events in the following portrayal are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual living persons or radio stations is purely coincidental.

Radio host: Welcome to another edition of the coach's show, where we take your e-mails and questions from the floor for our head coach. Remember, phone calls will no longer be accepted. If you're here in the bar, just step through the row of bouncers and up to the microphone. Members of the newly formed Coach's Fan Club will be given first priority. Coach, are you ready?

Coach: Bring it on.

Host: Our first question comes via e-mail. Jim writes, 'Coach, I think you're the best thing that's happened to this team since sliced bread. But my mother is a shut-in and doesn't have a computer. How is she supposed to ask you a question? She thinks your passing game sucks, by the wa'-- whoops, wasn't supposed to read that far, ha ha. Coach, how do you respond?

Coach: In Philadelphia and Chicago, being a shut-in wouldn't stop her, Jim. Toss her into a chair and wheel her on down here. She can drop a few bucks in the slots, lay down some cash on the horses. I'll even buy her a wobbly pop.

Host: That's funny. Our next e-mailer writes, 'Remember, coach, a while back you were talking about the media, and you said you didn't want the tail to wag the dog? Isn't that exactly what's happening when you dictate the format for this radio sh--'

Coach: I thought those things were supposed to be screened, dammit.

Host: Sorry, coach. That one must have slipped through. Looks like we have a question from the floor. You, in the Bomber jersey and helmet, with the pom poms attached and the flag in your hand. I can't really see your face through the blue and gold paint, but do you have a question for the coach?

Fan: Coach, tell us another story from your days in the NFL. Go Bombers!

Coach: I could go on and on about what I learned from the likes of Andy Reid and Joe Gibbs, but I think the listeners want me to answer the tough questions, so we'll leave that for another day.

Host: Back to the e-mails, where Janet writes, 'Can you please explain this one, coach: Kevin Glenn has thrown six touchdown passes as a backup quarterback in Hamilton, while your entire team has four'--I don't know how these e-mails are getting through, coach.

Coach: It's a non-issue.

Host: Here's one from Blair: 'Coach, you can barely get a quarterback to throw for 200 yards, yet Kevin Glenn had 326 on the weekend'--Sorry, coach. I don't know what we're going to do about this e-mail problem.

Coach: We'll handle it internally.

Host: Let's try one more, from Eddie, who writes: 'Coach, you always say criticism from outside your building doesn't faze you. So why'--whoa, seems there's a disturbance from the floor (sound of a scuffle, then a man's voice shouting into the microphone).

Fan: You didn't want to answer questions about SpyGate or Stefan LeFors' pay cut! And now you won't answer real questions on the radio... (man's voice fades out, amid sound of more scuffling).

Coach (off-mic): Look at the bouncers go to town on him!

Host: Uh, we're having some technical difficulties here, folks. We'll take a break and sort it out. You're listening to the Coach's Show.

Host (off-mic): That poor fellow. I wonder where they took him?

Coach: Hey, it's a man's game, played by men. No phone muscles here.

Host: Now I know what you meant when you dared people to come see you in person.

Coach: My phone's ringing (pause). It's the boss. He says no more e-mails.

Host: But that doesn't leave much, coach.

Coach: Don't worry. I've got some great NFL stories I can tell. My daughters love 'em.

Contact Paul at paul.friesen@sunmedia.ca or 632-2788.


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