Nothing chills my soul like cheerleaders gone bad.
So, sorry, no, I just can't help select the new Raptors dance squad, though they've asked.
Scares the sis-boom-bah out of me. I might get corrupted.
Hear the latest shocking news out of Winnipeg?
The Blue Lightning girls, who root for the Blue Bombers, are all over the Net in their knickers and even less.
One photo is already iconic. Apparently it was taken at Grey Cup 2004 in Ottawa.
We call it Blue Moon Over Parliament, and you can see why.
The Bombers are blushing.
The team wasn't even in the 2004 Grey Cup, won by the Argos.
I guess that explains why the Blue Lightning had too much free time on their hands.
The team says no current Lightning are in the notorious photo gallery.
A cheerleader/source told the Winnipeg Sun the photos were filched from one girl's computer.
Stop, thief, stop! Stoooppp, thief!
And what webmaster ever said no to naughty cheerleader pictures?
The Bombers' own site promotes the Lightning as "helping the general public see these women as the multi- talented group they are, instead of a series of body parts on display."
Dena Clark, the Lightning coach, wrote that. She's in one of the photos, frolicking (fully-clothed, sorry, fellas) on a hotel bed with her charges.
I hope the Winnipeg scandal doesn't slow cheerleading's drive to become a real sport.
You think it's all pompoms and can-can?
Give me an N! Give me an O!
American cheer- leaders suffer 25,000 injuries a year, mostly to ankle, shoulder, head and neck.
All that flipping, flopping, splits-ing, straddling, stunting and spinning is damn dangerous.
Look, that girl on The Hill might have tripped and maimed her tush on the statue of Sir John A.
Or she could have suffered a nasty case of windburn.
Oh, yes, cheerleaders are a reckless breed.
No wonder Claire Bennet, the pompom girl on TV's Heroes has the power of rapid cellular regeneration.
Remember Lucie Marshal?
The Raptors canned her in 2004 for posing naked on the Net.
Her fantasy -- "drizzled with caramel and hot fudge, then licked from head to toe!" -- did not meet the moral standards of the Dance Pak.
Maybe they prefer whipped cream.
In 2006, the Hamilton Ticats suspended two cheerleaders who went on Howard Stern's radio show to discuss oral sex and dance to the song Shake That Ass, Bitch.
No sense of humour, those Tabbies.
Same for the Carolina Panthers, who dropped Renee Thomas, 20, and Angela Keathley, 26, for allegedly having sex with each other in a bar washroom, brawling and getting arrested.
Boom, chika, boom.
Courtney Cox, (not that Courtney Cox) did handstands and such for Arizona State University, until she and her ASU uniform started popping up in porn flicks.
La creme, though, is the Fab Five. They terrorized their Dallas, Tex., high school and not just on the sidelines at football games.
"Gang members were nothing compared to these girls," mused one teacher.
They caused near riots in class, drank like sailors and posed in uniform in a condom store.
One was the principal's daughter.
They were dropped from the squad only after their coach quit in disgust and went to the media.
So you see, those comely wenches from Winnipeg aren't so wicked.
Maybe this is just a case of too much rah energy.
If I was young, gorgeous and could bang off a dozen cartwheels, I'd go nuts, too.
And who among us hasn't longed to moon Parliament Hill.