Live with bumpy ride

PAUL FRIESEN -- Winnipeg Sun

, Last Updated: 10:09 AM ET

Attention, ladies and gentlemen. Please stay calm and remain in your seats.

We are going through a little turbulence here on Blue Bomber Flight 2005, but nothing to be alarmed about.

Yes, we realize we just took off and haven't even reached our cruising altitude. It is a little early for turbulence of this magnitude, but your pilot has everything under control.

At this time, we do advise you to fasten your seat belts and put your food trays in the up position, though, as the ride doesn't look to be getting any smoother for a while.

AIR SICKNESS BAG

This would also be a good time to acquaint yourself with the air sickness bag in front of you, if you haven't already used it.

It's the little bag with the picture of Jeff Reinebold on it, tucked into the back of the seat before you. Just pull on Reinebold's ears to open it.

Now, we'll be happy to explain that unorthodox takeoff we just experienced in Regina.

What looked like a wheel falling off as we left the ground? Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, we have spares. We're not sure how we're going to install one, mid-flight, but leave those details to us.

And that misfiring you hear coming from one of the engines, well, we were just blowing some of the carbon out, you know, from the thing sitting idle all off-season. By the time we reach 35,000 feet, this baby will be purring like a kitten.

Having said that, there are a few emergency procedures we should be reviewing at this point.

In case you hadn't noticed, some air was inadvertently let out of the cabin soon after we pulled away from the terminal.

If that continues, a Jim Daley mask will drop from the storage compartment above your seat.

Before you do anything, take the headset off the mask and throw it to the floor. That won't actually improve anything, but it will make you feel better.

Next, grab the Jim Daley mask with both hands and pull it over your head, fitting it securely in place so you can see clearly through his eyes.

If you have the mask on correctly, the words "rebuilding" and "patience" should alternately appear. Put the headset on, and, if it still works, you'll hear soft music and the distant barking of two dogs, which should help you relax.

SHOT OF FAVOURITE BEVERAGE

Breathe deeply, repeating the words "rebuilding" and "patience" in your mind over and over again. If you still find yourself getting anxious, flag down the nearest flight attendant and order a double shot of your favourite beverage. Alcohol service will be complimentary on this flight.

We're approaching Edmonton now, and the ride is expected to get extremely rough.

At this time, we'd like to acquaint you with the emergency exits located on this flight. Or, more specifically, the lack of them.

Yes, that's right -- there's no way off. Now that we're underway, you're with us for the long haul.

And, no, we can't turn back. When's the last time you heard of a plane turning around? Seriously, people!

This would also be a good time to familiarize yourself with Blue Bomber history.

Just check out the full-colour book in the seat pouch before you, and relive 75 years of wild, crazy rides.

You might want to pay particular attention to the years 1984, '88 and '90, three of the most successful flights we've ever taken.

It's true, they don't look anything like this one. The equipment we were using back then was amazing, for its time. They don't build 'em like that anymore, ha ha!

If you want to see something more familiar, we recommend the 1997-98 Reinebold era.

Whoops! There goes another wheel!

Turn to the last page of this chapter and you'll find instructions on how to assume the crash position.

Familiarize yourself with the diagram, but remember: there's no need to panic.


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