The Last Word

BILL LANKHOF -- Toronto Sun

, Last Updated: 9:16 AM ET

In a pig's eye! I think I just heard the intercom at Pearson Airport announce a departure gate for pork.

Not to mention, weather reports on HELL 590 call for an Arctic low, black ice with flakes as big as snowballs.

And, the Big Bad Bessie just jumped over the moon.

Yes, Virginia, it is true. There really is a Ricky Williams and the former NFL rushing leader could be signing with the Argos.

Shocking. But, then you remember, this wouldn't be the first time Williams has accepted a token offer.

MIXED SIGNALS

The Blue Jays say that despite demoting him, they haven't given up on Russ Adams as their shortstop of the future.

But, if they really believed that, shouldn't they be lining him up at shortstop in Syracuse instead of at second base? This is like trying to teach a guy how to count by making him study the alphabet.

HOLD THE PRESSES

Williams is not signing with the Argos. Not yesterday. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. And, that's final. Maybe. For sure. Until next time.

This thing has (insert heavy sigh, here) been on and off more often than a Hollywood wedding.

WITHOUT A TRACE

The FBI's search of a Michigan horse farm failed to find the remains of Jimmy Hoffa, who disappeared 31 years ago.

They did, however, unearth a map of a Stanley Cup playoff route with landmarks believed to show the City of Toronto and the remains of J.P. Ricciardi's starting rotation.

UPPING THE ANTE

Reports from New Jersey say Wayne Gretzky's wife, Janet, is threatening to sue the state claiming that by linking her to a multimillion-dollar sports betting ring it damaged her reputation.

No word yet on the state's defence but it could decide to introduce some of her movies as evidence to show that any such damage was self-inflicted.

MR. BOBBLES

Speaking of being on the defensive, when he takes to the field, Barry Bonds is starting to look a lot like O.J. Simpson. The glove doesn't fit him anymore, either.

THE OUT-OF-TOWNERS

Peter Schmuck, Baltimore Sun: "I think I know why Matt Leinart dropped all the way to the 10th pick in the NFL draft. When word got around that he is dating Paris Hilton, scouts figured it was a sure sign he would be too easy to sack."

Colorado's pitching staff has yielded the fewest home runs -- 35 --in the majors. Writes Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: "So much for the annual Rocky Horror Pitcher Show."

OL' BLOOD 'N' GUTS

Not sure what that thing Don Cherry was wearing for Game 4 in Edmonton was, but it looked like something his tailor might've picked up off the floor of one of Peter Pocklington's old abattoirs.

BITS 'N' BITES

John Daly, in his book My Life In and Out Of The Rough, says he lost $50 million US in Las Vegas -- and that was just to cover his smokes and between-meal snacks ... Elvis Thomas of Scarborough, a member of the 2000 Canadian Confederation Gold Cup soccer team, will be inducted into the University of Hartford alumni athletics Hall of Fame next Saturday. Thomas is a former team captain at Hartford and its fourth all-time leading goal scorer (47) ... American Idol's William (She Bangs) Hung has been crowned Artichoke King of Castroville, Calif. This is not to be confused, says Toronto comedian Frenchie MacFarlane, with the Ottawa Senators, who recently won the international award for Art Of Choking.

SMART 'N' SASSY

"I'd be the guy giving the players their jackets when they're cold."

-- Ichiro Suzuki, the Seattle Mariners' 5-foot-9, 160-pound outfielder, asked which position he'd play on a football team.

POSTSCRIPT

Heard the one about Ricky Williams and ... oh, never mind. This story has more ups and downs than the bedroom blinds on Wisteria Lane. Just call us when it's over.


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