Vick would do the trick

PAUL FRIESEN -- Sun Media

, Last Updated: 10:18 AM ET

Imagine what it's like to be the commissioner of the CFL.

If we could be a fly on the wall in Mark Cohon's office these days, I wonder what we'd hear...

(rinnggggg)

Cohon: Commissioner's office.

Voice on phone: Mark, it's David Cynamon, Argos. There's something I--

Cohon: David, like I told you the last five times you called, there's nothing I can do to get quarterback Casey Printers up here. Until the Chiefs release him--

Cynamon: This isn't about Printers, Mark. This is way bigger. This would be the biggest thing to hit the CFL since Doug Flutie.

Cohon: Wasn't Flutie a little guy?

Cynamon: Never mind. I want to sign Michael Vick.

(sound of coffee being spit across the room)

Cohon: Michael Vick!? Are you nuts? The guy's on his way to jail, for the love of Fido! He's a criminal, broke the law more than once. He'll be blackballed for years!

Cynamon: And how does that make him any different from half a dozen other guys we've signed?

(rinngggg)

Cohon: Just a minute. It's the other line. (click) Hello, commissioner's office.

Voice on phone: Mark, it's Jim Popp. I think I know who's been tampering with receiver Charles Rogers off our neg list.

Cohon: Hi Jim. Uh, I've got somebody else on Line 1.

Popp: I won't be long. One of them has to be that !#$%@! Taman in Winnipeg. He's had it in for me for years. I don't know what it is. Probably because we've kicked his ass around the East for so long.

Cohon: You think the Bombers are one of the three teams that have talked to Rogers' agent about coming to the CFL?

Popp: Yeah. And one of the others has to be the Lions. Probably the work of Dave Ritchie. Still isn't over the fact I canned him nine years ago.

Cohon: Jim, I've got to put you on hold. (click) David, you still there?

Cynamon: Listen, Mark. Do you realize how many tickets we'd sell with Vick at quarterback? I bet we'd fill the dome every night! And think of the TV audiences, both sides of the border! The three major networks would be fighting like dogs for a piece of the action!

Cohon: Bad choice of words, David. Look, didn't you guys close the door last year on signing players suspended by the NFL? I've still got the resolution somewhere on my desk.

Cynamon: But Vick isn't really suspended yet, Mark! He's just banned from Atlanta's camp. That's the beauty of it! We can sign him now, before the NFL officially rules on his case. Then, when he's served his prison term, he can come up north to play without anybody violating any--

(rinnnggg)

Cohon: Just a minute, David. (click) Hello, commissioner's office.

Voice on phone: Mark, it's Hugh Campbell in Edmonton. I'm calling about A.J. Gass. Don't you think we should just forget about this whole suspension thing? After all, boys will be boys. Oh, and I also wanted to let you know we'll be exceeding the salary cap this season. What with injuries and all, we'll probably be overspending by about $1 million.

Cohon: A million bucks? Are you kidding me? And aren't you retired, Hugh?

Campbell: I still advise the Eskimos in areas I'm familiar with.

Cohon: You mean like ignoring the cap? (rinnngggg) Just a minute, Hugh. (click) Commissioner's office.

Voice on phone: Kid, it's Braley. If Jim Popp calls you today, don't believe a word he says. We're not interested in Charles Rogers any more than we're interested in Michael Vick. And not that it's any of your business, but we won't be adhering to the salary cap this year.

Cohon: Hi, Mr. Braley. Uh, do I still have to call you Mr.?

Braley: Until your third year in office, remember? (under his breath) If you last that long.

Cohon: What was that? (rinngggg) Just a minute. (click) Commissioner's office.

Voice on phone: Mark, it's David Asper in Winnipeg.

Cohon: David, glad you called. Jim Popp of the Alouettes has filed a tampering charge against your organiza--

Asper: I don't own the team, yet, Mark. That's why I'm calling. The Bombers have sold out their first three games, and could easily sell out the next two. I'm afraid the price of this thing might go through the roof before I can close the deal. You see any crises on the horizon that might help me?

Cohon: Let me connect you to Line 1, David.


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