Every CFL team has needs

KIRK PENTON -- Winnipeg Sun

, Last Updated: 7:28 AM ET

Christmas is still a few months away, but CFL teams are going to need some gifts for the stretch run if they're going to hoist the Grey Cup at Canad Inns Stadium in 74 days.

Here's what each team would be asking of Santa Claus if he decided to make a special trip through the CFL in early September:

ALOUETTES: A TOURNIQUET.

They need something to stop the bleeding in La Belle Province. The Als have lost four in a row for the first time under Don Matthews, and the Argos are closing fast in the rear-view mirror.

ARGOS: STEVE AUSTIN.

That's right. They need The Six-Million Dollar Man to play running back or fullback, because every human they put at those positions keeps getting hurt.

Ricky Williams, John Avery, Sean Millington, Jeff Johnson, John Williams ... they are always hurt. If it weren't for Damon Allen, the Boatmen would have trouble amassing 100 rushing yards -- per year!

On Monday night against the Ticats they had a guy named Bryan Crawford at fullback. The amazing part is he didn't get hurt!

TIGER-CATS: A MIRACLE.

BLUE BOMBERS: NO ONE KNOWS.

Not even Santa -- or head coach Doug Berry -- seems to know what the Blue and Gold need, but, whatever it is, they're going to need it. If only they could figure it out.

ROUGHRIDERS: A BIGGER BANK ACCOUNT.

According to figures in the Leader-Post, the Green and White made an extra $40,000 Sunday on the 2,100 temporary seats that have been put up for next month's Rolling Stones concerts.

With three home games remaining, the Riders could earn a total of $160,000 thanks to those seats and maybe even more if they land a home playoff game.

STAMPEDERS: A NEW DANCE CHOREOGRAPHER.

Players aren't usually embarrassed after scoring a touchdown, but the trainers had to help Wes Cates off the field after he recorded a 74-yard touchdown catch Monday against the Eskimos.

Normally the Stamps receiving corps is more creative, but their celebration for Cates involved piling on top of him.

When he got up to run off the field, he couldn't breathe and took a knee.

ESKIMOS: TUMS.

Head coach Danny Maciocia is in desperate need of some relief, because it looks like the Eskimos could miss the playoffs for the first time since 1971.

With Matthews, Maciocia and Berry all struggling, maybe Montreal isn't a coaching factory after all.

LIONS: THAT FANCY EYE SURGERY FOR HEAD COACH WALLY BUONO.

Everything's fine on the field, but if Buono squints any harder on the sideline his eyes are going to pop out of his head.


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