The Last Word

BILL LANKHOF --Toronto Sun

, Last Updated: 9:12 AM ET

This week in Death Valley, aka the CFL East: The Hamilton Tiger-Cats signed former McMaster star Jesse Lumsden to a contract. "I'm happy to be here. This is home," Lumsden said, after getting a two-year sentence, with no chance of parole.

Wait'll he finds out he just signed up with the only team in football with an offence that couldn't find the end zone from the one-yard line with a Global Positioning System.

The Argonauts, meantime, have an off-week. So, that'll be two weeks in a row now, for anyone keeping score.

ACCOUNTABILITY GAP?

Rogers Communication made more than a quarter billion in profits in the second quarter this year -- some of that coming through cross-promotion between mogul Ted Rogers' communications empire and his baseball Blue Jays.

This week the Jays asked us to believe the baseball team lost $25 million this year. Right. And the world is flat and pigs fly.

It's kind of like putting $1,000 in your savings account, then telling the paper boy you haven't got any money because your chequing account is $50 in arrears.

THE LONGEST NIGHT

The Montreal Canadiens are organizing a sweater retirement ceremony this season to honour Ken Dryden and Serge Savard.

Not sure when the event is taking place, but if they're intent on allowing Dryden to speak it better be on a long weekend.

AMBROSIA TO WHISKEY SOUR

From the It Seemed Like A Good Idea Looking Through The Beer Glass, we bring Oasis star Noel Gallagher, who offered Paulo Maldini L150,000 a week to play for his favourite club, Manchester City.

He had to backtrack the next morning when he learned that Maldini had taken him seriously. "I said to him in a drunken ramble if he promised to play for City I would personally give him L150,000 a week. My manager rang me to tell me he thought I meant it. I had to phone him to say I didn't."

If Maldini, 38, had taken up the offer, he would have spent Noel's L25-million fortune within three years.

Not sure what they were drinking but it has all the bouquet of the Blithering Idiot Barley Wine, from Weyerbacher Brewing, in Pennsylvania. Still checking HITTING A MOTHER LODE

Arlington City Council, acquiring land for the Dallas Cowboys' new stadium, has given a 72-year-old woman $2.75 million US for her house and four acres -- eight times its original $351,000 value.

Good news for Islanders' Rick DiPietro, who no longer has to defend himself for being the most over-valued commodity in the U.S.

WORDSMITHS INC.

"The Yankees have a $200-million payroll," the Minnesota Twins' Torii Hunter said, "and we play for minimum wage." Reggie Hayes, Fort Wayne (Ind.) News-Sentinel, pointing out that Hunter is getting by on $10.75 million this season writes: "Employees at Taco Bell were surprised and thrilled to learn the minimum wage has been raised to $5,168.27 per hour."

Seattle Times' Dwight Perry: "We aren't the only ones trying to figure out how 5-foot-9, 200-something-pound actor Sylvester Stallone could grow into a 9-foot-11, 1,300-pound statue of Rocky Balboa at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. WADA chairman Dick Pound, finally pushed over the edge, is reportedly trying to subpoena an 'A' sample."

BITS 'N' BITES:

Claudio Pinto of Belo Horizonte, Brazil can pop his eyeballs 95% of the way out of their sockets and makes his living doing it at sideshows. "It is a pretty easy way to make money," Pinto, 48, told the Terra Noticias Populares newspaper. "It is a gift from God; I feel blessed." I feel grossed out ... The annual Blue & White game goes tomorrow. Finally, a game the Leafs can't lose ... Headline on satirical website SportsPickle.com: "Phillies send Ryan Howard to Yankees as Player To Be Named in Bobby Abreu deal" ... If the Chicago White Sox hadn't bought out Frank Thomas does he still hit 40 homers and have a 100-RBI season? And, do they finish ahead, instead of behind the Twins and Detroit Tigers? Just wondering, because Chisox general manager Kenny Williams says he never has.

SMART 'N' SASSY

"He's the only guy that some of our guys can cover." -- Dolphins' coach Nick Saban, on using equipment manager Tony Eques as an emergency receiver in practice.


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