CFL Blitz: Our trade deadline solutions

Hamilton Tiger-Cats quarterback Henry Burris throws a pass against the Edmonton Eskimos in the...

Hamilton Tiger-Cats quarterback Henry Burris throws a pass against the Edmonton Eskimos in the first half of their CFL football game in Hamilton September 15, 2012. (REUTERS)

IAN BUSBY, QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 1:03 AM ET

Oh, CFL trade deadline day, how you’ve snuck up on us.

Around the league, management types are sitting by their phones, waiting for someone to call and offer the magic elixir to fix their team’s needs.

Well, there are eight franchises in luck. We here at CFL Blitz play no favourites when giving out exactly what these clubs require to make a playoff run and be forever immortalized as winners of the 100th Grey Cup.

All we ask for in return is their undying loyalty, and of course, cold, hard cash. Since all eight teams still have playoff hopes — in Winnipeg it’s more of a calculator and a prayer — no one wants to part with anything off their active roster before Wednesday’s actual deadline of 3:59 p.m. EST.

No matter. Here is what we’re proposing to every team, and if they accept, it will enhance their chances of winning the Grey Cup Nov. 25:

To the Montreal Alouettes we offer … The Men in Black memory eraser stick. Sure, you don’t want to forget all the recent success (and by that we mean the entire 2000s) but we’ve set this device to wipe away the two championships (2009-10) from your memory. We predict after those rings are forgotten, the Alouettes players will develop that hunger to win back the title they’ve lost over the past two seasons.

To the Toronto Argonauts we offer … Extra R&R for R.R. It surely looks like QB Ricky Ray won’t be getting completely healthy any time soon. We will stop time, put him in a hyperbaric chamber and give him back to you healthy immediately. This won’t solve all your problems, but it’s the best we can do.

To the Hamilton Tiger-Cats we offer … A hypnotist who will specifically work with quarterback Henry Burris. “Repeat after me,” the mind-bender will say to Hank, “You will not turn the ball over anymore. No more bad throws. No more awful reads. Take Bad Hank to a bus station, buy him a ticket for Spiro, Okla., and send him home.” Once that is complete, your high-powered offence will miraculously stay on the field for 56 minutes per game, solving your defensive issues.

To the Winnipeg Blue Bombers we offer … The Freaky Friday solution. It’s a one-time offer for quarterback Buck Pierce to switch bodies with another pivot on your roster, one who has less wear and tear on his body. What’s that? You already used it last week with Joey Elliott? How did we know you needed it? Well, keep using it to vault yourselves into the playoff race.

To the B.C. Lions we offer … A realtor. This mover and shaker will specialize in relocating the Grey Cup from one dome (Rogers Centre) to another (B.C. Place Stadium). Seeing as how the Lions are 12-1 at home since their brand spanking new digs opened late last year, this should solve the problems you face on the road, as small as those are.

To the Calgary Stampeders we offer … An alarm clock. This device will ring at the precise moment Drew Tate should go in and take over at quarterback. It might never go off, as Kevin Glenn is capable of leading the team to a home playoff game, so how could you refuse such a deal? The only catch is it has to be followed precisely or else things could go horribly wrong.

To the Saskatchewan Roughriders we offer … Headsets for every single player on the field. There won’t be calls coming from the sidelines however. Instead, it will be head coach Corey Chamblin’s voice coming through over and over again with his inspirational pre-game speech. The voice of the fiery rookie head coach should be enough those Riders players to make that tackle, catch or whatever.

To the Edmonton Eskimos we offer … A time machine, to be used only to go back and grab the 2007 version of Kerry Joseph. Sure, the 2012 Joseph isn’t so bad. He can still run a bit. But back five years ago, the former Roughriders quarterback was a running, throwing, fist-pumping machine. Set the flux capacitor to Nov. 25, 2007 at Rogers Centre. Throw him in the DeLorean and ride off to glory, coincidentally at Rogers Centre.

ian.busby@sunmedia.ca

On Twitter: @SUNIanBusby 


Videos

Photos