Shortly after Tom Higgins and Henry Burris disagreed on whether the quarterback has a fumbling problem, George Cortez settled the debate by offering up a solution to Burris' turnover tendencies.
"I guess we could start with Super-Gluing his hands and that would probably eliminate fumbles," deadpanned the Stampeders' offensive co-ordinator.
"It would be hard to throw, then."
For the first time since ruining an otherwise impressive effort with two fumbles and two interceptions Saturday against B.C., Burris returned to the scene of the crime yesterday to try rebuilding the confidence of a fan base that has unequivocally given up on the 32-year-old quarterback.
But don't tell Smilin' Hank, as he doesn't seem to comprehend that his penchant for puking up the ball is as obvious as a Manitoban's mullet.
"People are jumping to conclusions for reasons I don't know," shrugged an abnormally defensive Burris.
"Turnovers have never been a problem in my career. I think I've fumbled more this season than I did in two years in college.
"Last season, I only fumbled three times. That's something that happens sometimes when you're trying to make plays. Has there ever been a guy go an entire year without a fumble or an interception? No, and it never will happen."
Certainly not while Burris is running the show, which is for the foreseeable future according to head coach Higgins.
"As of right now, he's left a shadow of doubt in everybody's mind," said Higgins of the turnover problem plaguing Burris and his club.
"The coaching staff, all of our customers and all of our fans that follow the Stampeders are as frustrated as Henry is and the coaches are. You'd like to think at some point in time there has to be an end to it or otherwise ... something has to give.
"We don't want to get to that point."
While most fans were ready to give up on Burris last fall, Higgins intonated the Stamps have no choice but to stick with him as backup Akili Smith is still a long way from being ready to carry a CFL club. While Smith learns, Burris needs to pay attention to details like, well, keeping the football out of harm's way.
"I really don't understand because we're at Game 5 -- we're going to be just fine," said Burris, oblivious the city has given up on him.
"It's like two percent of the fans, and they're probably the most pessimistic fans you're ever going to find. I don't worry about that. I can't satisfy everybody -- I'm like the president of the U.S. If I make a mistake, hey, I'm human. All I can do is learn from it and do my best to make sure I don't do it again."
For the record, he's said that 128 times as a Stamp.
"We've dropped three, and I'm a part of the reason why," said Burris, whose club visits Edmonton Saturday.
"I've had fumbles and thrown a few interceptions. Does that mean we're not going to have a successful season? No. I'm sorry, I don't read anything, but I've seen a couple headlines that say 'Burris sucks' basically. The things they say are so far out there, it's like, 'where does this come from?' "
Reminding scribes his club has the second-best record the last two seasons, he insists he'll have the last laugh on an issue no longer funny to most locals.
"If we eliminate turnovers, everything will be good," he said.
Remember that concept Hank, because until you grasp it tighter than you do the ball, your future here is bleak.