It's a hap, hap, hapless day

GARY LOEWEN, SUN MEDIA

, Last Updated: 9:20 AM ET

Most newspaper stories referred to the Cleveland Browns as "hapless" after their Monday night loss to the Baltimore Ravens.

Which got us wondering: In the overall pro sports picture right now, who is the most lacking in “hap?”

Following are the results of a google search:

“Hapless Browns” and 2009: 31,400 matches;

“Hapless Lions” and 2009: 21,700 matches;

“Hapless Leafs” and 2009: 4,120 matches;

“Hapless Gary Bettman” and 2009: Two matches.

Mats missing

Markus Naslund has come out of retirement to join Peter Forsberg on the Swedish Elite team Modo, with an eye, apparently, toward playing in the Olympics.

All that’s missing now from Sweden’s Tre Kronor Amigos is the tall, balding one. But he’s going to stay retired, right?

Hello, Larry

Cincinnati has signed rabble-rousing running back Larry Johnson as insurance ... you know, just in case people were starting to think the bad-boy Bengals had cleaned up their act.

Daybreak fast break

The starting time of this college basketball game was virtually unheard of: 6 a.m.

Given the breakfast tipoff, it was appropriate that a guy named Ryan Bacon would score the first basket for St. Pete’s, which went on to defeat Monmouth, 58-34, at Jersey City, N.J.

Despite the crack-of-dawn start time — the game was part of ESPN’s tipoff marathon — all reports indicate it was anything but a yawner.

Lutz klutz

Russian figure skater Andrei Lutai stole a car and drove it while drunk after a Skate America competition in Lake Placid, police say.

Sgt. Carol Hayes said officers pulled over the 23-year-old a few minutes after a car disappeared from a gas station.

Lutai, who finished 10th at Skate America, was charged with: Grand larceny; criminal possession of stolen property; unauthorized use of a vehicle; and aggravated driving while intoxicated.

In figure skating, that’s a rare quad.

Say what?

“It’s embarrassing. I mean, we’re technically, mathematically still in it, I guess, but it’s like what ... are we doing here?”

— Veteran Bills defensive end Aaron Schobel, frustrated by Buffalo’s 3-6 season, with a veiled shot at the coaching staff.

That was before Dick Jauron was fired yesterday ... putting the head coach mathematically out of it.

Tiger bounce

With golfers forever getting longer off the tee, the PGA Tour has been trying to control what it calls the “Coefficient of Restitution” — the spring-like effect of drivers.

Well, at the Australian Masters this past weekend, Tiger Woods’ driver had the bounce of kangaroo.

Woods slammed down the club after a wayward tee shot, and as the ball travelled right, the driver bounced left ... way left, 50 feet or so, over the gallery. A fan kindly retrieved it for him.

Here's the video clip:

gary.loewen@sunmedia.ca


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