I happened to be at the beer stand when Jose Canseco cracked that dilly to left field in the 1989 ALCS.
But I sure heard it. That awful whack, the whoosh of the crowd. First homer to rattle the upper deck at SkyDome.
So we knew Jose Canseco swung a mighty bat.
Now we know he had itsy-bitsy balls.
Now we know (hang on to your peanuts) his Louisville Slugger was, well, uncut.
Now we know he never went nine innings, that he loved to watch himself pitching woo in the mirror.
Now we know he showered only every two, three days.
My gawd, fellas, be good to your missus. She might write a book about you.
Meet Jessica Canseco, 31, ex of Jose. We are in SkyBox 2 at, now, Rogers Centre.
I am surprised to find she is blond and gorgeous. She's in torn True Religion jeans and Roberto Cavalli blouse.
Just to starboard is Section 540, Row 5, Seat 6, where that ALCS dinger landed in the hand of a classical singer named Jake Neely. Canseco's A's went on to win the World Series.
That was before Jessica Sekely met Jose.
At that point, she was sweet 16 and her only brush with greatness, so to speak, was Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich. She almost gave him oral sex backstage.
Almost? Well, read the book. Juicy: Confessions of a Former Baseball Wife. It's a hoot.
Here is Jessica's plot:
She gets a boob job, works at Hooters in Cleveland. Jose Canseco comes in.
Ooooh, is he ever gorgeous. He buys her $4,000 worth of neat clothes. She's hooked. She sleeps with him in Boston.
"It didn't look like any wiener I'd ever seen before." Two years later, she has an orgasm.
She learns to shoot steroids in his buttocks. The drugs shrink his testicles. He runs around with groupies. Lots of them. Every port in the big leagues.
Still, they do it on the bathroom floor, the dining room table, the cave behind their waterfall, the Porsche. (Who hasn't?)
They also have a cougar and a lynx. Real ones, not cars. Plus an iguana and miniature schnauzers. Wink, wink.
But they don't talk.
JOSE: "You took drugs!"
JESSICA: "Oh, big deal. I took a little Ecstasy!"
JOSE: "I had it analyzed at the lab. It was speed!"
JESSICA (to herself): "So that's why I was up all night cleaning!"
Mostly, Jose is a "horrible, lying cheat."
She leaves. She's pregnant. She stays. She shops. They wed. She leaves. No, wait, she stays. She files for divorce. She comes back. He files for divorce. She leaves. They divorce. She stays, anyway. She leaves. (Quick, bring in the closer.) Her father, turns out, was a transvestite.
Oh, no. Must have been a shock to see Jose, 41, wearing lingerie on The Surreal Life.
"No. Jose is all about controversy."
No guff. His book Juiced helped rip open the MLB steroids scandal. Made Rafael Palmeiro a "horrible, lying cheat" too.
What does Jose think of your Juicy?
"He suggested I write it. He thought it would be more about steroids and players." (It's not, though she did sleep with a tight end, Kansas City Chief Tony Gonzalez.)
SAD AND ANGRY
"At first Jose was sad. And he was angry about the acknowledgements." They include her new beau.
But Jose was okay with all that personal stuff?
"It was hard for him. Men don't want to hear they're insensitive or not good lovers.
"Would you want your ex-wife to write a book about you?"
Not if there's pictures, no.
Especially not in bookstores everywhere (Regan Books, $34.95).
But they both know what sells.
And there's an unwritten postscript.
They shacked up again for a while last year.
After all that stuff in the book?!
"It was for financial reasons, for our child (Jessie, 8), for me, whatever, we decided to see if we could try ...
"I knew it kind of wasn't going to work."
"Sure, bring out the violins. But it's over now. It took the book and Playboy contracts to move my life forward."
She is September's cover.
Jose left her a message last weekend.
Misses her. "You're shadows of the girl I knew. I love you."
Too late, it's truly over, she tells me.
Besides, a groupie is living in his basement.
I smell a reality show in here somewhere.